Denial to Acceptance and Everything In Between

I notice my anxiety rise as I watch the results of our presidential election numbers come in. I sip on my  wine. PA shows Hillary far ahead at 10:30 last evening, I breathe easier. Chris not so much.  I’m troubled by how close the numbers are in so many other states. But they’re always red states. No worries.  This can’t be. I’m in denial. I say something stupid to Chris in an effort to comfort, something to the effect “Don’t worry, there’s no way he can win” and I notice Chris give me the “get real” hairy eyeball. Chris and I made a concerted effort to be back in PA by this date for the sole purpose to cast our vote in this historic election. We’ve had countless conversations trying to overcome our befuddlement of how Trump had so much support. How can we in America support a man that has over and over again demonstrated his lack of moral character, his immature tempermaent, his divisive and hate filled language? We don’t get it. We cannot wrap our heads around it. And though we knew that even those that saw Trump as unfit still planned to vote for him for POTUS, I denied it would actually happen. There’s no way. I have more faith in the American people. I want to believe in our integrity. I want to believe in America. I could not and would not accept another result. I went to bed, like an ostrich with it’s head in the sand.

I awoke this morning anxious to see the results and celebrate a Clinton victory with my Mornin’ Joe. I prepare to savor the moment. I brew my coffee. I go to set the timer on my phone when I notice a text from a friend from last night. I’m reluctant to read it. I don’t want to learn the results this way. But I open it. She says she’s on the “edge of her seat”. She reveals nothing. Yes. I’m so tempted to find out. I resist. I do some gentle yoga for about 15 minutes, working out the kink in my troublesome right hip. I feel better, more serene, more relaxed. I circle and sway my loosened hips as I prepare my coffee. I sit down with my steaming cup. I open my IPad and look at the news. This is what Isee. Donald Trump wins the presidency in stunning upset over Clinton. I’m sure it’s a joke. I look at the author to see what sitiracle journalist wrote this. I’m wondering why this satire would be the first thing to pop up on my news feed. I’m in total denial. But I feel my heart sink and a knowing in my gut. This can’t be. I turn on the tv to the CBS morning news. And there it is. Trump won. I’m in shock. I cry. I text my friend back. I say over and over “oh my God, oh my God, OH MY GOD!”. I’m speechless. I cry some more. I get on social media and see everyone’s stunned response. How did this happen? I learn that Trump won PA. OMG! It sinks in. Trump is president. I learn that the Canadian immigration website crashed. OMG! I see so many people already moving to problem solving, what’s next? What do we do? I see how people are moving to acceptance and to “higher ground”, tapping into their wisdom and goodness innate within all of us. I know I have to sit with this for awhile. I have to write about it. I have to get to the place of acceptance. It’s my daughter’s birthday today. I remove myself from my shock and begin perusing pictures of my precious daughter that I can embarass her with. I find myself smiling as I look through so many beautiful pictures of my family and friends. I’m okay. This moment is now better. It’ll be okay. We will become stronger. Our eyes will be opened. We will see a spiritual revival as we’ve never seen before. We will come to realize the narrow and restrictive interpretation that we have of Christ is not Christian. We will embrace the Cosmic Christ  and envelope the world and all of life with love and acceptance.

My husband awakes and walks into the living room and sees the headlines on the tv that Trump has won the presidency. And my heart hurts for him as I watch him come to grips.

Namaste!

Heading into the Fog

With each step, our next step is revealed. We have no idea where this path will lead us, or what we’ll see when we reach the top. We know we’re climbing. We feel the heaviness in our legs and the need to breathe deeper and faster. We feel the acceleration of our hearts. Shrouded in fog, we feel the cool mist on our faces and we gulp in the moist air as our bodies warm from the exertion. The going it tough. The trail is uneven and has many twists and turns. We scramble over boulders and watch our footing on slick wet rocks covered with moss. We stay close so as to not lose each other. Step by step, we mindfully hike Kaylor Knob trail in McGaheysville, VA. our first day hike and we’re socked in.

We’ve left the comforts of our home and after driving only 6 hours, we make it to Masanutten resort  and we’re already tired. We groan as we carry our ‘stuff’ up the flight of stairs to our 2 bedroom suite that will be ours for the next week. I feel we still have too much stuff.  We got this place cheap because it’s off season. We’re not here for the resort amenities, wer’e here to do lots of hikes and for some much needed rest and relaxation after a whirlwind of frenzied activity getting ready for our gap year year. I look forward to showing Chris  Shenandoah National Park, he’s never been here. Chris was at first a bit resistant to staying in such a nice place, as he loves the challenge of roughing it. I do too, but not quite as much as Chris, so we have to find the balance.

I concur with Chris that living a tad out of our comfort zone is in some way good for us. Things like; no air conditioning in the heat of summer, thermostats set low in the bitter cold of winter, basic cable, walking instead of driving…that kind of thing. I’m not sure why we do this. Do we think it makes us tougher, better somehow? Or maybe it’s just because we’re cheap and don’t want to pay the extra it cost for heating and cooling. So far it has worked for us, though we’ve often faced the derision of others, or at least we think others are judging us…at least I do. Hmmm, why do I care so much what others think? We’re not masochists by any means. We buy the best we can afford of any product we purchase, whether it be a good mattress, a tent, a sleeping bag, or an appliance, and good shoes are a must. We eat well. We enjoy good sound quality and love a good movie. We enjoy being warm and snuggling into our blankets as we cuddle on the couch on a cold winter evening and watch an episode or 3 of Breaking Bad. We love going out to a nice dinner, and especially enjoy restaurants that are BYOB, and enjoy a shared bottle of wine. Our tastes are simple, and yes, rather inexpensive. We’re not wealthy. We both worked as nurses in unique roles working with individuals and families that had behavioral health issues and homelessness. Not a very high paying profession, though very meaningful work. We learned much from the individuals we served over the years, and from the systems we worked in. I cannot tell you how many times I was intrigued by the resiliency of the folks we served, many of them finding contentment with their meager living situation. Chris and I will be living very much like many of those we served over the years. We plan to live mostly out of our truck, sleep in tents, and camp along the way, eventually making it to our one room cabin in the ‘Back of Beyond’. But, here’s the big difference…. we’re doing this because we want to, not because we have to. It’s our choice. At anytime we can return to the comforts of our home. When you have no choice but to live outdoors or in shelters, it’s a very different animal.

And I think that this is what this blog is about  ….our journey of increased awareness of the things that bind us, and living the life we choose to live and not being tossed to and fro by all the ways we feel we should be or wish we would be. We’re already learning how freeing it is to live simply and frugally. My hope is that as we practice living mindfully, we learn healthy detachment from that which holds us back so that our love for self and others flourishes because it is our choice and not because we’re trying to get rid of some demon or appease another person. Material stuff and financial debt are kind of easy to see and let go of. This other deeper psychological stuff is harder and scarier to see. This is for me what it means to grow. Some of the things we’ve already learned is how easy it is to be bound by stuff. Sometimes our bondage to stuff forces us into working long hours in jobs that bind us even further and prevent us from other meaningful pursuits.

My bondage to stuff got me into great debt. I don’t want to go there again. Whew! Had no cash flow at all. I’m happy to say I’ve been debt free for 5 years. FREE! Chris and I both worked hard to get out of debt and it’s not easy, though we were only able to do this after we no longer had dependent children. It’s been the most freeing thing in my life. It is what enabled me to save enough money for this journey. It is why I could take the risk to quit my job. I have no debt. I had good cash flow while working and I socked a good portion of each paycheck into my savings so I’d have enough to live on for at least a year. This is doable when there’s no debt and no children to support. I am so well aware that taking care of children is more expensive than what many people earn. It is where so much of my debt came from, providing for my kids cost more than I earned. How much of this was in my head (keeping up with the Jones’s mentality or not being able to say no) or was based on reality because raising kids is expensive, I cannot say. I do know that I never felt my stuff was good enough causing me to have a sense of shame. Talk about baggage. Buying stuff to make me feel better about myself was a downward cycle. My  belief that I needed nicer stuff to be acceptable needed to be challenged and it’s only in practicing mindfulness, that I became aware I even had this kind of belief system. This is not always easy. I often want to spend money I don’t really have on a new kitchen, or a new couch, when what I have is perfectly ok. I still worry about the judgement and derision of others, but with mindful awareness, I’m not as prone to let these belief systems and painful feelings dictate my behavior. I’m not suggesting that having nice things or new stuff is bad. What matters is an awareness of what motivates and drives our behavior and then making a conscious choice to do what is wise for us in this moment.

I’ve found by stopping and taking a moment to reflect on what is motivating me to make a purchase, to count the cost both literally and figuratively, has helped me to make more conscientious purchases and to stay debt free. Simple but not easy, and I don’t always get it right. I still buy way too much on impulse when that money could have been better spent, or saved, or given to charity. Simple but not easy.

I’m reminded of a bible scripture ‘we shall know the truth and the truth shall set us free’. Facing the truth of who we are is scary stuff. It’s unknown territory. Our emotions and our behaviors serve us well if we simply stop and reflect to ask ourselves what they are teaching us. Yes, taking a journey into the unknown is scary. It’s scary to give up financial security of a well paying job and not having any idea if I can get another job. It’s scary going on the road and not having everything mapped out about where we will stay or how we will live. We barely put any time or thought into our itinerary as we were so overwhelmed with getting rid of and organizing our stuff. We’d like to be at our place in the ‘Back of Beyond’ by the end of April so Chris can help his brother with the water project for the town. As we walk into the fog, it is a walk of faith. I can only see the step in front of me, I take it, trusting that my next step will be illuminated. Step by step, moment by moment. Until next time-enjoy the NOW. – Diane